Well, it is 2015!
After a crazy 2014, filled with much pain and growth, my main word for this year is TRANSFORMATION. Along with that, I also call forth STRENGTH and BALANCE.
Honestly, 2014 was a not-so-good year for me personally, from January, right in through to December, but we still had many great moments and made many memories together. I think that the confusion, pain and darkness I experienced throughout the year were all gifts to me too, to learn and to grow from and to be transformed. I also believe that I am still very much in the transformation process, like a caterpillar, still in my cocoon, dying in order to become a butterfly and enter the next stage of life that awaits me. I hope that that next stage is soon because I am SO ready to break free, spread my wings and fly into the new.
I also hope that this year will be a little easier on me (although I know that to gain strength will require some resistance and challenges in order for me to develop it and to find balance, I will have to still fall out of it from time to time) and I pray that we will make many more memories together as we learn to adjust to our life now with our sweet Serafina’s autism. I still have so much guilt and fear over everything. Being a mother is hard enough, but now learning to live with and adapt to Serafina’s autism and the constant changes and challenges it brings her and us all is a whole other story.
When you are a child, you can’t wait to grow up. You can’t wait to become like the adults who seem to be so free and independent, so together.
We fell for that one too when we were young, and when we grew up we realized that there was no happy ever after. Freedom comes with responsibilities. A lot of them. Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Nothing and nobody is perfect. We don’t find ourselves one day and just be that forever. We are constantly learning and growing and changing. There are constant challenges and trials. There are always things to let go of, there is constant dying to self. That is life. Not like the books and movies we read and idealize where the characters know who they are, have it all together and have a perfect life.
I kind of think that it is funny that I am processing and analyzing so much of this now. I have done this adult/responsibility gig for a while, but still, I guess I feel cheated, almost like this can’t be what I signed up for! And it doesn’t help that children don’t come with manuals. We are literally all feeling our way through life in search of truth and the most frustrating thing is that although we all are on a similar journey, our paths are all different. Although we are the same, we are also all different. What is truth to one person can be different to another.
I also want to try and make sure that my children have healthy examples around them in life. I don’t want them to grow up disappointed in life, depressed or lost. The world can seem like a very dark place and it is of course our job as adults and parents to guide our children and instil in them some kind of compass to follow and navigate their way through the storms of life. This I care deeply about, so I pray that the strength, balance and transformation that I hope to gain this year will make me into the wife, mother, and woman that I want to be and was was born to be.
I pray that you all also will find what you need in 2015. I pray that it will be the year that you grow ever-more into the person that you are to become also.
What would your word(s) for 2015 be? I would love to hear from you!