I want my children to remember me as a patient, kind and loving woman: someone who gives of herself, puts herself last and spends each moment on her children and others. I want them to remember all of the walks that we have taken together and all of the books that we have read in bed or on the drive to visit Grandma or go grocery shopping. I want them to have memories of being in the kitchen, creating delicious, healthy, homemade meals, snacks and treats. I want them to see the peace, love, respect, and harmony that my husband and I share for each other. I want them to learn respect for themselves, for others and for all of their possessions. I want them to see through the eyes of gratitude and to feel that the world is a beautiful place. I want them to know that they are imperfect human beings and that it is okay to make a mistake, say a wrong word, or do a wrong action and to know that it is in making these mistakes that we learn and grow and strive to become better people. I have accepted this as a part of being a parent and role model too. I used to want to model perfection, but now I am not so hard on myself for not being perfect in front of them all the time. I even make it humorous when I do fall short and make mistakes, pointing it out to them that I too, am just a human being.
I want them to reflect back on their childhood with fond memories and to grow up with compassionate hearts and non-judgemental attitudes. I want them to see each human as an equal, a brother or sister in Christ.
I want them to become upstanding, respectable, young woman, wives and mothers to their children and retain some values and morals as women in society. I pray preservation of their spirits in these dark and difficult times in which we live, but the ability to never feel estranged from reality.
Mothering can seem like such a hard job (because it is). These days have been very overwhelming for me. Craig has been working 12-hour shifts and weekends too. Autumn is growing up into a young woman and going through her puberty phase, questioning life and questioning me. She is not so ready to be my helper any more. Some days I feel so alone and so overwhelmed by all that falls on me, but I never give up. If the house continues to be destroyed, I keep cleaning. When Serafina has her moments of frustration and anger, I keep speaking and acting kindly and lovingly to her. When my mind wants to get to a real down place and remind me of all of the things that are bad, sad, and not going right for me, I turn it around and focus instead on the positive.
This morning I came downstairs to type, like I do every morning and I found this draft on my blog, “What I Want For My Children.” I read it and left it as is, even though the above words were just typed randomly one day as an idea of what I wanted to write. It was a great reminder to me of what I strive for. My life revolves around my precious children, and although sometimes life is really challenging and can seem so overwhelming, I wouldn’t change a thing about it.
I thank God for my imperfect life with all of its ups and downs and constant challenges. My heart swells with gratitude for my husband and children and for the beautiful life that we share.