I have finally hit post on this writing after processing and going through a lot of grieving and sadness and total unwillingness to face this inner struggle that I have been going through. It feels so freeing to finally release my true feelings in writing. My prayer is that this writing inspires someone in some way today.
It has been a hard past 4 months for me and my angel-daughter Autumn. She was my first-born and my best friend. I had Autumn when I was just 15 years old. I was a young mom, but a good mom. I knew from a young age that I wanted to be a mother. I aspired to this. As a child, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said that I wanted to be married and have five girls. I dreamed of living in a big house in the country and to be able to stay at home and raise my children. I had always pictured an old-fashioned life for myself, simple and happy. I never wanted “things,” or to be anybody. I didn’t have any desires to hold a title, be rich, famous, popular, beautiful or even necessarily talented: I just wanted to be happy.
I feel like I now have that life that I desired and dreamed up when I was a little girl. I have my three daughters and we live in a big old house (kind of in the country, but in a small town) and I am certainly happily married to my wonderful husband and best friend.
I love my girls so very much and want the absolute best for them. I want to be a good example as a mother and wife for them and always strive to do and be my best.
Autumn began going through the nine-year change last December. We started to notice that she was growing up and changing. (Almost half her teeth are now adult teeth.) She found less interest in playing with her sisters and I could tell as her mother that something was changing within her. Her thoughts were becoming less innocent, as reflected in her play. She was losing her creativity and imagination, her sense of humor, desire to please and her care-free spirit. She was going through a time of beginning to fall from the kingdom of innocent childhood.
I was afraid of this. I had read about it coming in Steiner’s lectures and other Waldorf material, I just didn’t know that it would come so soon! I felt unprepared and began to have many regrets and worries about what I have not accomplished with her yet and all of what I still want to do with and for her before she grows into a young woman. There are so many values and morals that I want her to learn. I want to make sure that she has had proper examples (from myself, other women in her life, and characters from novels or movies) to look up to, to help her define her character. I want her to be self-confident, brave, strong and fearless. I want so much for her and always feel like I am still failing. I think as mothers, we often judge ourselves and see the negative and all that we should do/didn’t do (at least I know, that I always desire to do more, be better and stretch myself thin for them). It can be hard for me to feel content at the end of the day sometime and to feel as if I have actually done enough.
It is hard to process these feelings over her growing and changing. Some days I just want to cry and cry over it, but I know that this is a part of life and I can’t let it cripple me. Still, I wonder: why? How? When? Why does time go so darn fast? How will I ever know that I did enough with my children? When did this happen? Why does everything have to change, just when you think you have it figured out and have found some kind of balance and sense of “normal?” I think these things and ask these questions, but then I know that it is all a part of life. Spirit whispers to me the truth that this is life. We came here to go through these trials, each in our own unique ways and the painful experiences of growth and of letting go are a necessary part of the human experience. Easy to comprehend with your intellect, but so hard to have to endure and experience some days!
I sometimes feel so unprepared for this. Life can seem so overwhelming when I let my mind go over and over all of my fears and worries. I worry about my kids ALL THE TIME! I worry that I won’t be able to give them enough and be the best example. I worry that they will fall into trouble and I never want them to have to go through tough experiences, emotions and battles in life. I never want them to hurt or to get scarred. I wish that they could be protected from all that awaits them out there in the world, but of course I know that is selfish and unrealistic. They need to know heartache, disappointment, hated, negativity, fear, pain and imperfection. They need to know reality and being an imperfect human being. I know this is true, but even just thinking about the things that they will have to face in life hurts me so deeply. I feel so deeply for all people, but especially so for my girls.
I know one of my big faults is perfectionism. I am always trying to do everything perfectly and be the perfect human being. Even my mom has said to me, “You’re not perfect Tiffany (and you never will be), but you are pretty darn close!” Some days I feel so proud of how I can hold it all together and seem to do it all so effortlessly, and some days I just want to lay in bed because I feel so depressed and overwhelmed about all that I have to do (although I never really do this, the feelings do come and try and get me down). I want to feel sorry for myself, but there is no time for that. I realize once again, by divine inspiration that it is my own rules that I am creating and clinging to that block positive manifestation and abundance. I cling to what I want, run from what I do not want to face, and create a feeling of pain in myself due to not wanting to move on.
It is painful though! I am stubborn! I don’t want to let go of all that I want to accomplish! I don’t want to watch my babies experience hardship or pain or grow up and become women. I am so, so afraid of this.
I know that this is a message from God, Christ and the angels to have faith, to let go and to trust. I know that I am bad at this because I am such a perfectionist. I have for months always planned my day from the start and have usually been able to keep to it, but these days have actually been practicing not being so in control. I know I need to leave a bit more room for freedom (and rest and time with no rules or regularity). Although I LOVE to have a rhythm to our days, I can get too obsessed with rhythm and order and then it turns into a bunch of rules and stress and becomes totally no fun for everyone. This one happens to me often, but I am learning.
Although the fear, worry and sadness can confuse and depress me sometimes, when I actually open my eyes and take a look at my life and my children, I see so much beauty, love, light and positivity. So much to be grateful for. My children amaze me!
Serafina is making progress all the time. Most of what I fear passes within a week. This week she has already been saying more words and is coming around more everyday. She loves to be wrapped up like a “hot dog” and have me sing, “You are my sunshine” to her and call her my baby. She loves to dance and spin. She has been better about taking a bath and having her hair brushed (Kesa even got a braid in it!) She is not so whiny these days, as she has been sleeping in later.
Food is still an issue. I feel like sometimes she eats next to nothing, but then other days she is ravenously hungry and feasts on absolutely everything. I sometimes want to freak out about how “abnormal” this is and how we should all be eating meals together as a family, but I know that she is healthy and that she is just actually in touch with her natural appetite and intuition (unlike the rest of us who are programmed about eating, when to eat, what to eat and how to eat): She is just free. I learn so much from her all the time, that great sage.
Kesa is such a grown up little lady these days: always playing with Serafina, helping to tidy up the house, staying positive and making us laugh with her childish humor and absolute love of life. She really is such a different person than she was a few years ago. She used to be my stubborn girl who I could never please or make happy. Now she is such a sweetie! I am surprised sometimes at how actually sweet she is.
Autumn amazes me! She really is so smart and knows so much, not just in the way of homeschooling, but about life and how to be a wonderful person. So many people and young girls look up to her and feel her as a worthy role model. My fears subside about my children and about her growing into a young woman, when I behold this beautiful, talented, girl. Not yet a woman, but definitely a young woman.
She loves to craft, draw, read, write and sew. The friends she wants are all sweet and nice examples. She is really a very wholesome girl and she does have good values in her. I am grateful to God for her sweet demeanour and will to do and be good. I am praying that even when I loosen the reins on her and do my part of letting go (as I know that I will have to more and more over the years), that she will be protected and preserved in her innocent, giving spirit.
Autumn lost yet another tooth the other night! I felt sad about it too! Growing up so fast!
She left a note and some chocolate for the tooth fairy.
When I shift my perspective from that of fear and worry and lack, to that of faith, trust, and gratitude for what is, I feel so much better! My spirit is lifted and I know that I am blessed. I know that no matter what life throws my way and in the way of our family, that we will make it through it. God and the angels have always provided for me/us and have helped me/us through all times of confusion, darkness and struggle.
I feel silly for continually falling into worry over and over again. Isn’t it so stupid that we forget? It reminds me of what Jason Mraz says in one of his songs, “Why do we forget things? I think that it is for the opportunity of enlightenment, the opportunity to awaken again and again because it feels good to remember our greatness. But alas! No matter how enlightened we get, we all still have to do our fucking laundry.” <–Truth to the core. We will always make great progress and grow more in wisdom, love, perfection and the image of Christ, but we will all still always be human and have our humanness (feelings, thoughts, physical needs, chores, other people’s feelings, thoughts and hardships) to deal with.
It is such a delicate balance, being human and also being spirit. Everyday life is hard enough as it is! I just pray that all of us can feel the peace of God throughout this long winter and throughout our earthly evolution. I wish for people to be open and honest and real and to drop perfectionism (as I also strive to overcome daily). I wish that we could all see that we are all just human. We all are going through things is life and we will all continue to go through things in life until we die. There is no such thing as perfect and we need to accept this in ourselves (especially as mothers) and to not be afraid to model a little imperfection. In fact: we need to know that this is healthy for our children to witness.
I know that I myself need to still let go of a lot of fears and gain a whole lot more faith. This is something I am continually working on within myself. One major part of that is finding time to meditate, write and reflect, which can be so difficult to do when raising a family. I find and lose my balance continually, and then I beat myself up about it, but really I know that losing my balance is all apart of the act; a move in the dance of life, that although awkward, adds a little something unique and colorful to our big dance as a human race. We all need to make mistakes and add that human touch. I know that God, Christ and the angels speak to me the loudest when I fall or feel imperfect and always help me to rise again, to gain new faith and a deeper trust and understanding in God. With each storm, my roots grow deeper –but this storm– this one is the biggest yet!
I know that I will make it through this stronger and wiser and an even brighter light will emanate from me when it passes, but I am feeling as though I am tarrying in the wilderness these days! Who knew being a mother, wife and caregiver could be so difficult!
Thank you to all who take the time to read what I write. I hope that sharing my thoughts and feelings in this open and honest way today inspires some one out there in some way. As always, I would love to hear from you too!
Much love & light!