I think that life is a constant struggle. It has its ups and downs, we all have our experiences in life that allow us to change and to grow into kinder, wiser and more loving beings. Lately, I have done so much self-realization. I got myself some journals a few weeks ago when we went Christmas shopping and decided that I am going to try and make more time for me and not feel guilty about it. Guilt (especially mom guilt), is the number one demon that I face. I have always had a perfectionist tendency, ever since I was a child. I wanted to please people and wanted people to like me. I wanted to make people happy and to be everything to everybody. I know that this stems back to having a depressed mother growing up and always feeling as though it was my job to make her happy. Fear of God and of punishment for not being perfect is also something that was implanted in me as a child. This I have been learning as I take more time to reflect during this winter season and write in my journal (which I highly recommend).
My mother lost her baby (who would be my younger brother by two years), to a genetic disability: he had a hole in his heart and lungs and died shortly after birth (a similar situation to my friend Sarah). This changed my family entirely. I guess that I wouldn’t have known it as a young child of only 2 years old, but my mom was not there for me after my younger brother died. She of course fell into a depression. She didn’t want to be alive when her son was dead. I think she even still probably feels guilty that maybe it was something she did that caused him to not live. She still grieves to this day about him (as well as many other things that have happened to her in her past) and it is difficult to have her in my life sometimes.
My mother is a very pessimistic person with a melancholic temperament, but I love her to pieces and consider her my best friend (next to my husband), even though we are totally different people. Over the years, I have grown so much in forgiving her for a lot of the things that she said and did in front of my brothers and I. Me, being he only girl, suffered a lot of damage from her eating disorder issues, verbal abuse and negative self-talk. I never actually knew what all I witnessed or heard, but lately, as we talk on the phone about some of these things together now, she is mentioning more and more what she feels bad for have done/said/not said/done with us as children. She also has her fair share of mom guilt and regrets and now that I am older (my own person/woman), I can distance myself a little more and see her view point more clearly; I have truly learned what forgiveness is and have let Christ and the angels do a lot of healing on my heart towards her and am grateful that we have always remained close throughout the years. I am just not the type of person to be bitter (as one of my brothers now is).
Eating disorder issues, self-hatred, and self-sabotage issues have always been my two main battles in life and as I face them more and more every day, I see that the perfectionism and fear issues that I have of not being everything to everyone (especially myself), really do stem from my mother. I am realizing more and more over the years that these demons are not even really my own! It is as if I had only living out ingrained thought patterns that are hers and pushing love and light away as an imitation of what I witnessed in my parents marriage.
Over the past 4 years, I have really grown from this all. Writing, praying and taking time for self-reflection, all have helped me to heal. God and the angels are continually helping to root out these fears and limiting beliefs in my consciousness daily. I am constantly learning new things about myself and who I am and what is not myself or who I want to be. I am seeing others more and more through the eyes of compassion and love and with a heart of forgiveness. I am letting go of what has been weighing me down and keeping me from being who I truly am and who I want to be for so many years.
It can be so hard sometimes! I wonder how many of us truly know who we are? I wonder if we can ever become the people that we know we are inside; our true selves? Each of us has our demons, our childhood scars, our societal conditioning, our fear-based, egoistic mindsets to overcome. Sometimes I wonder if we can all be free and how long it is going to take? My heart grieves for hurting people and people who seem to take no joy in life. As a spiritual seeker, I wonder too how many people think like me. I often wonder if other people are as conscious of their thoughts as I am, or if others care to think deeply at all. I wonder if anyone really cares to get to know themselves, or realize that they have the power to create a new reality for themselves as any moment. I wonder if any of us really think at all in the same way, or if thinking (real thinking), is only something some of us possess at this time. I wonder so many things.
It seems as though so many people are just happy going through the motions and living out existence as they were/are conditioned to live out. My heart often grieves for our world and for others, I wish sometimes that I weren’t so sensitive a being as God has created me, because I feel others fear and sadness so easily. Over the years (since recognizing that I am a sensitive being and am very open spiritually), I have learned to be able to be more aware of the time I spend with certain people, or in certain places. I am also very conscious of what media I take in. We are a low-media family and basically only use the computer for a few things; Craig for his music and to read the news, me for my blog and email and homeschool planning, and the girls for rainbow loom tutorials and some homeschooling games. Occasionally we will watch a movie together as a treat, but enjoy spending most days simply, reading, baking, crafting, or getting outside.
I think that this has been a good decision. Before I knew that I was so open spiritually and sensitive to so much around me, I used to pick up so many other people’s fear. I was like a sponge, absorbing both the negative and the positive in the environment around me. I wasn’t very strong in my own identity either, since my mom never was there to help me become my own person (as she struggled with her depression and the will to continue living), so I feel like a good part of my childhood, into my adult life I had no strong roots. I was constantly looking to others to tell be who to be and how to live. I never learned self-confidence, positivity, or faith, from my parents.
My mom never wanted to be alive after my brother passed, and still has guilt over living. She still never eats and has many eating disorder issues, like bulimia (which I never actually found out about until recently, now I understand where that demon of mine came from). She also has worn black all her life and will never put on any bit of color. She has no friends and stays home, isolated from others. She has a very tough exterior and doesn’t like people to get near her or to know her thoughts or feelings. As a child, I witnessed my mother spend a lot of time in bed, sick with headaches from starving her body and sleeping most of the days away due to her depression. When I would ask her what was wrong, she would just say, “I’m depressed.” I never understood as a child what that really meant and of course, I blamed myself. This is where a lot of my perfectionism comes from too.
For years of my childhood, I felt so deeply for others sadness. I believe I was born unto my mother to have this experience of seeing guilt, depression, sadness, self-sabotage and attempts at suicide, because I believe that it is my gift to help others overcome their sadness and yearning. I am a very conscious and positive person (quite opposite from my parents), and I have such a will to learn about truth, spirit, and freedom. I love to read and write. I love to reflect, learn and grow. I never stay at the same plane of consciousness for long: the thrill of the journey and the feeling of overcoming obstacles and facing inner demons is too enriching to me.
My dad is a runner. He runs from facing his life and his thoughts. He lost his sister at a young age too, she was only 9 when she was murdered and he 16 years old and was supposed to have been babysitting her. This is something he has never gotten over and has lived with guilt over his entire life. He also has issues with religious fear implanted in him of God by his father, as well as the hardship of having to live with my depressed, suicidal mother for all of these years.
He is very private about his emotions (as all men are), but we know that he has these things inside that he is struggling with, even to this day. He opened up to me so much this summer and told me so many things about my mom and his relationship that frustrate him. My mom and dad really should never have stayed together, but because of their fear of God and the church, they got married after they found out that she was pregnant with my oldest brother. Even though they have hated each other for nearly 38 years, they remain united, as divorce is a “sin.”
My mom always talked about how much she wanted to divorce my dad, but didn’t want to leave him because she had no where to go and no supports for us. She would talk of plans of leaving, dreams of a new life where she would take me and run away from this life together. That made me always feel guilty. I didn’t want to be the reason for my parents unhappy marriage. I felt that I was responsible for their marital misery. They often fought in front of us and our little eyes and ears witnessed so much that they shouldn’t have. I used to feel so resentful to them about these things, wondering why they didn’t know better? Now, I realize that there is no point in holding on to anger, resentment, or unforgiveness.
I believe that our lives are predestined and that there is a plan for each and every one of our lives. I know that I was placed into that family for a reason and I know that there are lessons to be learned in this situation that are to help me become a more free, loving and giving being because of everything that I have gone through. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for all of the life experiences I have had and all of the people who have shaped me into the person that I am now.
Practising regular self-reflection has given me the ability to see my life (and others) from a higher standpoint. I see inside of myself all that I want rooted out, as though my consciousness were a garden with a lot of little (and some big, even huge) weeds. I desire to tend this garden with higher awareness, uproot the weeds, and plant in this garden of my consciousness new plants, plants that I love and have chosen to place in my garden myself; thoughts that are my own freely chosen thoughts and not just conditioned or fear-based.
I feel as though I am constantly reinventing myself as I delve deeper into my consciousness and see my actions, thoughts, feelings, and life experiences from a higher standpoint. I am grateful to God for this ability to self-reflect, learn, grow and heal daily. I know that I am being transformed daily into a new creature, into the image of Christ. Even though it can be painful to uproot some of those weeds (especially those that have been growing for so long now), it feels so good when they are out and I have room to plant what I want in my consciousness in place of those big old weeds.
Lately has been one of those times of weeding again for me. I am working on healing my thoughts toward Christianity and the church because I realize that I have a lot of bad feelings about it all. I resent so much of the doctrines and religious aspect about things so much. This has a lot to do with the fact that my parents were supposed “Christians,” but never modelled Christianity, Christ, or any good morals and values in our home or in their lives. My attitude toward that label needs a lot of healing and I feel as though I have grown a lot from those resentments over the years. I never have had bad feelings toward God, Christ, or the angels, but I did struggle with ever calling myself a Christian, or using the word Christ or God because of things from my past and because of how much religious dogma and fear are associated with words such as God, Christ or angels.
I have grown a lot from that and have become more comfortable using those terms, even though to me, spirit is spirit and doesn’t really even need to be put into words. I think the words are more just for people’s ego and physical comprehension and not so important. I know that just because we use different words for God or for spirit, doesn’t make it untrue or separate the spirit. The spirit is one and is within each of us. I know that we are all spiritual beings and we are all having our earthy existence. I see others as an extension of myself. I see us all united, only believing that we are separate by the deception of our own lower ego nature. Like Jason Mraz says in one of my favorite songs, Shine, “We ain’t that different, we huddle underneath the same stars, I see who you really are. You’re every creature, every man, every woman and child. You’re the closets thing I’ll ever get to knowing God.”
I wish people could just be free, but I know also that truth and freedom come from Christ and God. I have always had a love for God and a yearning for spirit, since birth. My mom named me Tiffany because of the meaning, “reflecting the divine image of God.” I always was interested in the bible and in God and prayer. As a child, I was extremely spiritually sensitive and in tune to angels and demons and had a great ability to be spiritually discerning. I feel like I could see through so much of the, excuse my term- bull shit in life and recognize how many people were living in a complete false existence. I still see it, though I have gained higher insight and understanding, realizing that whatever I do know and see must always be left unjudged and that everything I see should be filtered though love and compassion, not judgement and ego.
I believe my mission on earth is to use these gifts of higher insight, discernment, positivity, self-reflection and optimism to help inspire and encourage others. My deepest desire is to see all being everywhere happy and free. It can be so hard to be so sensitive, especially during times like these that we are all going through: times of so much selfishness, separateness, lower ego, war, hatred, fear, death, destruction, limited awareness, dimmed consciousness. It can be so painful to be so sensitive, at times I wish I didn’t feel so deeply, but I know that there is always prayer and I hold firm to my belief that everything really does happen (and is happening) for a reason.
Much love and light always!