I reflect often on myself and my life and what motivates my actions. I am always examining my thoughts and my actions, my life and my progress. Reflecting on the past and making goals for the future. Often judging myself, (probably more than I should) and evaluating my nature. I have such a heart for doing the good and right thing. So many goals and ambitions for myself, my girls, and my family. So much that I want to accomplish in my life and enrich their young lives with. I know that I have this life for a reason and I want to spend my life in love to the last drop as best I can.
The trouble is, that although my motives are always rooted in good, sometimes (often times) I wear myself out and/or forget my humanness. After a while of not catching up with the fact that I have worn myself out mentally or physically, or that the moment for a particular goal and ambition has passed in life, my motives change, my attitude changes and the flow and harmony that I once felt seems lost to me. I begin to cling to and hold onto the present or try and go back to the past, refusing to let go and to move on, following the pull of spirit. My human ego becomes my main motivator as I grip on tightly to what I want and where I am feeling comfortable, ignoring my intuition and forgetting to listen to the soft whisper of spirit and the natural flow that life wants to take. After a while, fear begins to set in and everything feels dark and hazy.
Sometimes it can be that I actually have accomplished what I set out to do. Or maybe a particular prayer was answered or a trial overcome. Sometimes it is actually hard to believe that something I worried about for so long or wished to happen for so long has actually happened. I’ve overcome a fear that I once had, or a difficulty or trouble that one of the girls was going through has passed. Life moves so fast. Too fast. Things are always changing and my human mind sometimes cannot catch up to the rapid evolutionary pace of its strides. It’s like my human self is walking placidly along as my spirit is soaring to ever new heights. Or as though I am aboard a train on my way to some destination, not realizing that my stop was actually many stops ago and that I just wasn’t paying attention and didn’t get off at the next station, where I was meant to catch the new train.
Why do we do that to ourselves? For me, I think it comes from two sources. I learned two things upon reflecting on the need to cling to my human ego and fears and remain where I am comfortable and secure. One, is that I realize a real lack faith in myself in these moments and when I pray for something, maybe I actually still don’t really and truly believe that it can or will happen. Even though in my heart I want to believe and I think that I do believe and am in earnest faith when I am asking, a part of me still wants to think, “that couldn’t or won’t actually happen.” It is not a conscious thought, but a subconscious one because if we knew that all that we desire and believe could happen and that we were truly unlimited spiritual beings and co-creators with God and the divine, wouldn’t that be frightening? Because of my desire to do good, I sometimes do fear the power and reality of thoughts and of the fact that we are constantly creating the life that we are envisioning and manifesting, even if we aren’t being conscious of it.
I often would draw the Spiritual Growth oracle card in Doreen Virtue’s Healing with the Angels card deck in the summer, which has to do with a fear of growing spiritually. I have had that fear in me for a long time in my life, mainly because my beliefs are so different from my family and anyone that I know. I can’t seem to be comfortable allowing myself to feel, think and believe in some of the different things that give life to my spirit and soul, like anthroposophy, reincarnation, karma, the belief in manifestation, unlimited consciousness, mind over matter, or things like the use of crystals, my yoga practice, meditation and my highly raw vegan diet. It seems that those certain things are not so wide-spread as the more intellectual, fundamentalist, religious beliefs that most people hold and the limited consciousness (or unconsciousness) that the vast majority of our society chooses to live in. I often feel weird and out-of-place. I realize that I often hold myself back from growing spiritually or allowing myself to realize my progress because I don’t want to truly know how real and close spirit actually is. I don’t want to be estranged from others. I don’t want to be different or move too far along without everyone else coming with me, but I also know that I can’t stay where I am and must grow on the path that is calling and follow what leads my soul and gives life to my spirit. When I try and live any other way, or ever try and be “normal,” I feel trapped in darkness and as though I am suffocating spiritually.
I also have to constantly remind myself that I really don’t know what people think or believe or have a glimpse into their own personal thoughts or their spiritual journey. It is so easy for us to judge from the outside, but we can’t and never should do that. We really can’t see into another person’s life (at least not the whole picture). Even if we are clairvoyant, clairsentient, claircognizent or clairaudient to a degree, we never can see the whole picture of anything. All of our knowledge is still but a grain of sand in a vast and infinite desert. There are so many angles from which all things need to be seen and assessed and we can never say that we have arrived at complete truth and knowledge. We are still human, and we are still limited in our consciousness and perspective to some degree or another.
I have such a heart for people and for life. I wish that all of humanity could find peace, joy and the ability to see that we are all connected and unite in love and consciousness. I wish for all beings to be happy, healthy and to free. I wish for people to not have to pass one another by without looking each other in the eye or seeing each other as equal and a part of the divine.
Sometimes the fear that I feel has a hold on us all in our human consciousness makes me so angry. I hate the separation. I hate the limitedness of it all. Sometimes it sucks being a human and having our human ego, with its thoughts, associations, judgements and selfishness to bear within us. I hate the duality and the black and white picture that my mind still often sees through and that so many exist in. But although the pain and sadness, fear, darkness, or heaviness in myself and in our world gets me down sometimes and I wish so badly things could be blissful all of the time, I know that it is not meant to be so. I know that we need both the dark and the light. I know that without the darkness, that we would never come to recognize the light and to yearn to grow ever closer to it.
I find peace and comfort in the lectures and writings of Rudolf Steiner and in the fact that Christ is the overcomer of all darkness and fear. Knowing that spiritual awakening and consciousness is the goal for all of humanity and that we will get there someday gives me constant hope and inspiration. I remind myself that it is OK to be human and to bear the human ego that Christ also descended and chose to bear and overcome. I slow down my mind and calm my fears about the fact that things are not all perfect and that the struggles are a part of it all. How else would we ever grow?
I choose to see the positive aspects of life and to be grateful for how far I have come from where I was and for the progress that I am making and that I have made so far on my journey. I embrace my unique being and individuality and choose to shine my light as best I can in whatever situation I am in, seeing and accepting that same uniqueness in others as best I can and not judging and condemning myself for when I forget to do so.
I board the next train to the new destination spirit is leading me to, releasing all fear and packing with me only gratitude, faith, trust, love and tranquillity.
Love & Light,