Lately I have been feeling a little melancholy. Sad for the times that are flying by. In my human emotions, watching my children grow and change so much everyday. And not only them, but myself too. Life. Everyone. Everything. All is constantly changing and transforming.
I love it of course, and I wouldn’t wish for things to ever stay the same, but sometimes there are moments of just feeling sad. I don’t often let myself feel my emotions too strongly, or maybe there just isn’t time in our busy family days to slow down and really reflect so much on how much things are constantly changing, but tonight I felt it. As I was packing my bag to leave for Vancouver with my husband on our little trip (and to see the Jason Mraz Concert) tomorrow, I realized how much I am going to miss them in just the short while that I will be gone. It sparked a sadness in me that I often feel deep down inside, but rarely acknowledge. The fact that my girls are growing up. That I only have so much time left with them before they are grown up and turn into little women. The fact that life is constantly changing and I sometimes have trouble keeping up.
I guess that amidst the business of everyday life I don’t often pause to feel that. When I do, I feel like, why ever stress or worry? Why ever get anxious or worry about anything? Why not just enjoy the moment? After all, every moment is passing. Nothing ever remains the same. Why worry about the future so much or ever dwell in an unpleasant situation, fearing the worst or feeling as though it may never pass?
I wonder how many times in life we have to do that before we finally realize that it is pointless? I wonder when we will ever just learn to see that all things work together for good and that all that our fighting, worrying and fearing does is steal our peace, block positive manifestation and makes us evolve slower. Like we are being dragged along kicking and screaming, fighting the natural flow of life.
It happens to me every so often. Life wants to go on, but I want to stay where I am comfortable. In my human ego, I want to maintain some sort of control, but really it only makes things oh so much worse! I know that I am going to be going along anyway. Why fight it? We are after all here to evolve, learn and grow.
In searching inside of myself, I can tell that the culprit is always fear. When I have lost my peace and I feel anxious or upset, I know that it is because I am gripping too tightly, dwelling too much in my head and manifesting the outcome for life that I do not want, instead of envisioning a positive future and having complete and total faith in the divine. I fight to try and do things by my lower ego, thinking I am maintaining some sort of control, and then wonder why everything has turned to crap and I have zero peace.
I am grateful though for the insight spirit has given me and for the fact that it doesn’t happen nearly as often as it used to. I know that it is in our times of darkness that we learn to love and appreciate the light ever more. It is in the times of holding the reigns of life ourselves and ignoring our divine guidance and intuition that we realize how much we really can’t do anything by our lower selfish ego or on our own. It is in the times of pain and suffering that we learn and become aware of what we are holding onto and are being shown that we need to surrender.
I am thankful for all of it. The dark and the light. The pain and the healing. The ignorance and the enlightenment. Even the selfish lower ego that I bear inside of myself that teaches me to surrender ever more my desires and wishes to be in line with goodness, beauty, love, truth and compassion. Mostly, I am thankful for and in awe of the power of Christ that is ever at work in me, setting me free from the bondage and enslavement of my lower egoistic self.
I know that each day brings transformation for us all and I take joy in the journey, even though sometimes I forget and get off track. I know that there ultimately really is no such thing as being lost or off track because everything is just leading us all to where we need to get to. Everything is happening as it should be and we are all exactly where we need to be.
Tonight I take a breath before I go off to bed and feel relieved and thankful for this revelation. Not a new one, but once again a reminder of the need to surrender ever more in order to ever bloom in love.
Much Peace To You All!