I am totally not the type to pose in or to share pictures of myself (especially doing yoga) but I have decided that it is time for me to become more confident in myself and sharing these pictures on my blog is really healing for me. I never have really felt OK with letting myself feel beautiful or enjoy my physical appearance. This is something I have struggled with since a very young age, since I picked up the thoughts and behaviors I have toward myself and my body from my mom as a girl and have always thought of myself as not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, because that is how she always spoke of herself. How ugly and stupid and fat she was. Never good enough. Never a positive affirmation from those lips. Never a censor over the things she spoke in my presence. Completely unaware of what she was feeding my imitative soul by her words and her actions. As a result of that, I never felt good enough or pretty or confident in anything that I did as a child. Even now it is still sometimes difficult for me to actually let myself be liked or loved or to allow myself to be myself, feel strong, confident or beautiful.
In doing my own inner work, I have grown and healed so, so much from the person I was 4 years ago. My yoga practice is what has really helped me to sort out my head and really find out what thoughts are conditioned ones or learned ones and what thoughts are my own. I have learned to separate myself from my mother (and from others) and to find out more about who I am and what I believe. I have also learned to go deeply into myself and realize that I am a being even beyond all thoughts, desires and passions.
Yoga has also changed the way I feel about myself and about my body. I feel now that I am older and am focused more on my spiritual development that my body is the home of the Divine and I do not connect with it in a material way (as we are programmed to do in our society). I feed my body healthy, high-vibrating, organic, mostly raw vegan foods, exercise it, stretch it, give it plenty of fresh air, sunshine and water and take care of it with rest and massage so that I can better serve my children and others and set a good example for them as well, helping them to grow up with a healthy body image and a reverence for their bodies as the home of the Divine also. Something that my mother never modeled for me as a child.
On Wednesday I did a headstand for the first time in my life! I have been doing yoga for over 4 years now (1 year now of my self-style daily 1 hour Ashtanga yoga practice) and can do many poses, but the headstand had always intimidated me. I know the limitation was only the fear in my mind that had held me back. I can do so many poses and I know that my body is very strong and healthy enough to do it. Over the years I had almost got right up into it. Craig would hold my legs up for me to help me find my balance, but I was always too afraid for him to just let go and to find that balance on my own. My head had always been too chaotic and full of fear. There was still much for me to undo in my mind before my body could be flexible or strong enough to do many of the yoga poses.
Since I have been healing so many past issues (especially in regard to my mother and my family), finding out more and more who I am, becoming more confident in my identity and facing so many fears these days, I finally braved up that Wednesday morning and decided to give the headstand a go. I was ready. My mind was at peace. I knew that I was strong, fearless, confident, and that I could do this. I wanted to break past that little bit of fear that told me I could never do it. The fear that was a reflection of something deeper that I knew was holding me back from being me and allowing myself to be strong and confident. I always think that there is a deeper meaning behind everything in life, especially our actions and words and it is especially in yoga and in our bodies that we can discover where we are holding onto limiting beliefs and what memories we are storing in our tense muscles or inflexible areas. Yoga truly is a great teacher! The flexibility and strength in body is really a reflection of the flexibility and strength we have in our mind.
I attempted the headstand unsuccessfully a few times. I doubted a bit. I felt the fear. I fell down. But I got back up and tried again and I did it! I can do it with ease now and have done it every day since. Now that I have faced that fear and have conquered it, I have gained new strength and confidence and have grown just a little more. It feels good to do that and I am always so determined to not let fear or my own negative thoughts hold me back from being free or from living life the way that I desire to.
To all of you out there who suffer from insecurity, doubt, fear or limiting beliefs (which we all do from time to time), I am here to tell you today to brave up! Face those fears. Face those doubts. Face your demons. Face your own inner darkness and allow the light to shine upon it so that you can heal and grow and become more free. When you choose to do so, you radiate more light from your being and in doing so, you inspire others to do the same (even if unconsciously).
We all need you! Do it as a service to the world, if not for your own liberation.
When you are shining, I am inspired to shine.
When you are free, I am inspired to become more free.
When you are strong and confident and let love in, I feel strong and confident and worthy of love.
We are all connected.
The juice won’t pour itself mom!!!
Love & Light,