The concept of growing through peace had/has always seemed to me something false, something foreign, even wrong. How could we grow if not through trials?
It was in listening to Doreen Virtue that I was presented with the idea once again a few months back about how God’s will for us is peace and that while it is true that we grow through trials and sorrow, we actually grow more rapidly spiritually when we live in peace and contentment and stick to following our intuition and angelic or divine guidance.
For me, the idea of growing through peace seemed wrong and unspiritual because I was raised up in a fundamentalist/pentecostal Christian mode of thinking. If you had trials and troubles, it meant that you were extra good and close to God and that the devil was attacking you. Being attacked, being in sorrow, darkness, despair and being a victim was seen as a blessing really. In the church we attended many people had (and still have) their problems and addictions, marital issues, depression and general unhappiness. There was among all members of the church a dark and heavy spirit of depression and dissatisfaction with life in “the world.” This was all seen as good (even if they did not think it consciously) because it meant that they were God’s “chosen ones.” The people in the type of Christian churches that I attended never really did/do heal from their issues or look more deeply into themselves or care to be apart of the world that we live in, but continue for years and years to live in the prison of fear, dissatisfaction and depression they create in their minds. They insist that their issues and depression are a sign that they are chosen by God and are “God’s favorites.”
This is especially true of my mother, which is hard for me to deal with. My mother has always had depression and has always bee dissatisfied with living in the world. I never realized how much her depression had actually affected me when I was a child, until I began to look deeply within myself and become conscious of my fears and demons. A lot of what I struggled (and still struggle) with is the idea of a punishing God and feeling as if I have to live up to some expectations and be perfect to be lovable. I also learned perfectionism from my mother’s attitude and behaviors of anorexia, bulimia and preoccupation with her body image and image in general, social status, Christian status, etc.She is very much concerned with having nice things, having money, looking good and fitting into the world in that sense, yet their is a supreme attitude of superiority about being an elect Christian also. It is all really a tangle in my brain to be told that the world is bad, but also to be taught through her words and actions that it is important what people think of you. Image is everything. I learned so many ego-based fears from my mother that have taken me years to unravel and separate myself from. It has taken years for me to really find out who I am and what I believe and not be afraid of my family’s judgements of my individuality and my beliefs in God and spirituality that are seen as completely wrong to them and as though I am really lost.
Spirituality the way that I view it is completely evil in my family’s (especially my mother’s) eyes. It is wrong to think of God as in everybody and not just in the few “chosen, elect of God.” It is wrong to think more deeply of the Bible and to question anything. It is wrong to communicate to angels. It is wrong to believe in reincarnation. It is wrong to take part of see beauty in much of the world, unless it is Christian. It is wrong to have acquaintances or friends that are not in the church and born again Christians. It is wrong to do yoga, listen to unchristian music, meditate, use incense or believe in anything that is unseen and cannot be proven, either scientifically or by backing it up with scriptures from the Bible. It is wrong to be happy and to live peacefully. When you are living in peace, you are in the hands of the devil.
So much of these messages I have had to undo in my consciousness and it has taken me many years to let go of so many of the fears that were instilled in me of God, other people, the world and my own positive, grateful thoughts or feelings of happiness. Anytime I was conscious or happy, I was afraid. I struggled for many years with self-sabotaging any bit of happiness and peace that I felt because I felt guilty and afraid for being free. I battled my own eating disorder thoughts and behaviors for many years also, which I picked up from my mom and came to realize were not my own behaviors or thoughts.
A few years ago I was told by a family member when I blogged over at my other blog that being happy and spreading joy and positivity was not truly Christian and was unbiblical. I was leading people to believe in themselves and their inner power, when I should be leading them to Jesus and to God. I felt devastated by this attack. Even though deep down, I knew better and I knew that God really does want us to be happy and free, I still had wounds that ran deeply and were not quite healed. It was as though acid was poured upon my already open wounds and I had to question myself and my beliefs and really felt afraid that I was doing wrong. I fell back into fear and self-sabotage once again. Because I love (and have always loved) God so much and since a child have only ever desired to be a light and spread love upon the earth, I felt guilty for not living up to that. I felt shamed. I felt afraid. I hid my light and shut off my deeper thinking and intuition for a long time, in fear of doing wrong and living life out of line with truth.
Those comments and attacks from family members have wounded me deeply. It has taken me many more years to undo that fear and reprogram my mind with my own ideas of God and Christ and Christianity. I still struggle with those fears (which I know now are apart of my human lower self and ego and are not God) resurfacing and trying to take hold of my consciousness. Even writing this now from my heart seems scary to me, but I feel that it is deeply healing. It is honest and truthful and real. Thinking, learning, growing and sharing is what bring life to my soul and wings to my spirit. Letting my spirit and soul take hold of my intellect and use me to write, share and inspire is what brings me joy and makes me feel as though I really am living my life’s purpose.
I have come to learn so much spiritually as well that fear continues to grab hold of me less and less. I feel secure in my beliefs about God, consciousness, meditation, yoga and reincarnation and karma. I love learning and growing spiritually and ever-expanding my consciousness. I believe that everything is energy and I love eating and living and thinking in a way that brings high vibrations and positivity. I have learned so much about my mind and about how powerful our minds really are.
I know in my heart that peace cannot be wrong or evil. I know in my heart that they way I live, eat and do yoga brings me ever closer to God and uncovering the eternal within me, helping me also to see the eternal in everyone around me. When I feel joy and satisfaction and see through the eyes of gratitude and reverence, I feel in line with truth. I feel peace and really, how can that be evil? How could God not be more easily sought and seen in the peace and quietude of our lives? Why shouldn’t we all slow down and find God-consciousness there.
Since I stopped going to church and following any types of labels of Christianity (or labels in general), I have grown more and more comfortable with allowing myself to feel peace and know that living life fearlessly and without guilt is actually OK. When I am still, when my spiritual eyes and ears and my heart are open and nothing but gratitude do I breathe and bliss do I feel, I can truly feel the peace of God. In the stillness, I feel and know that God is. God is in the rays of the sun, the trees, the wind, the air, the water, the animals, the plants, our food, my children, my body, my soul, my spirit, my thoughts, my breath. God is all things. God is omnipresent, but God is even more than all of that. God is love.
I have let go of so much that I feared over the years, through growing in knowledge and expanding my consciousness, but still struggle with being able to be completely free to be me. I used to be bitter and blame my parents for what happened, but in discovering Anthroposophy, Rudolf Steiner, reincarnation, karma, the evolution of humanity and a deeper meaning in the gospels and in Christ’s teaching, I have blossomed and healed so much. I know that I chose this for my life. I know that I chose my parents, the life that I had/have and all whom I share it with. It is my dragons and demons that I face in my consciousness. It is my fears that hold me back from being completely healed and completely free. The battle is within my own being and blame, unforgiveness and resentment only steal away my peace and prevent the healing process from fully occurring. I also know that everything that has even happened in my life has brought me to where I am today. I wouldn’t have the life that I have if I never went through all of those experiences, even if some were dark, painful and confusing. Everyone we ever meet, every situation we find ourselves in is ultimately for the purpose of our growth and evolution. We are always evolving, even if we don’t feel like we are. Nothing ever remains the same.
The belief in spiritual awakening, consciousness, reincarnation, karma and the evolution of humanity can seem scary to most people, but to me, it gives so much life. It answers so many questions that would otherwise be left unanswered. For me, believing in this was seen as evil and wrong and completely unchristian because it goes against the simple fundamental view that is widespread among many “Christians” in the world. It has taken a lot of courage for me to piece Christianity and reincarnation together and to see that Christ’s teachings really are much deeper than most people believe or care to study and know. There are so many mysteries hidden in the Bible and in all myths, sagas, ancient teachings and literature.
I have come to believe that a real Christian view does not estrange one from the world at all. A real Christian attitude sees no separation between themselves and another. A real Christian does not even have to go around calling themselves a Christian, because they are beyond any label, adopting the attitude of Christ and choosing to be a being of love and freedom.
I have come to accept that my mother did the best that she could and can see how much she really lives in fear because I have lived there too. I no longer feel angry or resentful or blame her for her words and actions, but instead view her through the eyes of love and compassion and choose to believe that she did her best with what she knew how. Since she didn’t/doesn’t have any belief in the power of her thoughts, words and actions, she is simply oblivious to the many damaging things that she did in front of her children and the psychological and spiritual fears that she instilled in us as kids. She is unconscious of it all.
Now that I am an adult and have my own children to raise and a higher consciousness, I can work on healing myself and being the mother that I want them to have. My children are my main focus and motivation for healing and evolving. Also, my absolute love for spiritual evolution and insight. Truth and knowledge, love and freedom is all that I crave.
We are all on our journey in life. We all do have struggles, but today I felt inspired to share a little of my thoughts and to encourage those out there who often dwell in unhappiness, guilt, fear, depression or anxiety that you don’t need to live there anymore. It may seem scary or even too good to be true to believe that you choose your thoughts and that you have the power within yourself to be free at any moment and live in peace, even grow in peace, but it is so freeing to actually know that and believe it with all your heart.
The spiritual world is not far off, it is all around us right here and now, it only takes the opening of our spiritual senses to perceive it. Sometimes we do forget. Sometimes we are closed off. Sometimes we chose to live in fear. But we can always get back on track, open our spiritual eyes, ears and heart to the light and love that surrounds us and find that peace, the peace of God.
In this peace may we grow. It the stillness may we come to know our true nature, which is divine, blameless, spotless, eternal bliss, love and light.
May we drop the fears of our lower ego and loosen the grip it has on anything from our past that prevents from evolving in this consciousness.
May we breathe out fear, resentment, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, depression, pain, blame, unworthiness and unforgiveness.
May we come back to the remembrance of who we truly are underneath all that we think we are and all of the lies that our lower ego and society wants us to believe about ourselves. Beings of love, freedom, peace, forgiveness, patience, kindness, goodness and gentleness.
I pray this wholehearted prayer for all who are striving consciously and unconsciously for love and light.
The Gift of His Peace
25 “These things I have spoken to you while being present with you. 26 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
“The all-encompassing attribute of the Godhead is not omnipotence or omniscience – it is love, the attribute that cannot be enhanced. God is uttermost love, unalloyed, love, is born as it were out of love, is the very substance and essence of love. God is pure love, not supreme wisdom, not supreme might. God had retained love for himself, but he has shared wisdom and light with Lucifer and Ahriman. He has shared wisdom with Lucifer and might with Ahriman so that human beings may become free, so that under the influence of wisdom they may make progress.” – Rudolf Steiner, Love and Its Meaning In The World