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I think.

A lot.

All the time.

This is how my brain goes.

It goes.

And goes.









But not in the ordinary sense.

Not so much thinking, but wondering.

A lot.

I wonder who I am.

I wonder why I am here.

Not in a depressing way.

I love life.

I just ponder.

What is life?

What is reality?

What is truth?

Why am I here?

Who am I supposed to be?

What is my life’s purpose?

What is the deeper meaning of my existence?

Why did I choose this life?

Why did these souls choose me?

What is the karmic connection?

Am I playing it out as I had planned?

For the most part, I think yes. I feel secure in how I am living my life.

Yet there is so much more I want to do. So many people I want to be.

I can never just be one way forever.

Not even for a day, or even an hour.

I want to learn and to grow in any and all ways that I can.

I want to live this life to the last drop and experience all that this life has to offer.

I want to seek.

I want to journey.

I want to experience.

I want to expand.

I want to discover.

To stop and taste new-found awareness, just long enough to excite my taste buds and leave myself hungry for something more.

I want to get intoxicated on philosophy and daily binge on truth and knowledge.

Forget all earthy pleasures.

Forget all that I “should” do.

Forget who I “should” be.

Call me crazy.






Define me if you will. For I cannot.

Judge me though your narrow lens of reality.

Your judgements contain no meaning.

Nor do my own.

Maybe I am a glutton.

Maybe I am insatiable and unsatisfied.

It is truth that I crave and truth alone.

There are just too many unanswered questions.

So much yet to see, learn, do.

So many me’s yet to be and to unearth.

So many people I want to cross paths with.

So many brains that I want to pick and energies I want to experience.

Under all that I think that I am, there is always more.

I can’t define myself because I do not know who I am and I never really will.

I am not that type of person and wonder if there truly are people who can be defined.

Definition. Definite. Definitive.

Those seem so alien to my nature.

How does anyone do that?

I refuse to be defined.

I renounce labels.

I burn up boxes.

I desire no explanation as to who I am.

I am a wonderer and a wanderer.

A traveller upon the open road stretched out before me.

With so many people to meet.

So many amazing divine gifts and talents available to me, I cannot refuse to sample them all.

I have changed so often and am changing all the time.

New interests and ideas become a part of my being as I tuck them away in my tool belt of knowledge and move on to a new chapter, gathering more insight from various subjects, philosophies and outstanding personalities.

I take what resonates with me for the moment and move on to something new.

I am becoming.




Then withering.


And being reborn anew.

Over and over again.

Like a child on a carousel, enchanted with the ride.

The scenery before my dizzy mind ever-changing with each revolution.

Around and around.

Dizzy, but not sick. Never sick.

The thrill is too stupendous.

Nothing remains the same.

So how can I say who I am?

How can I be?

Who is the one who is?

Who is the one who experiences?

Who is the one who thinks?

Who is the one who knows?

And knows what, I’d like to know?

Each time I think I can almost grasp the answer to any of those questions, I find myself once again uncertain.

Scratching my head in awe at the fact that I still know nothing at all.

I still cannot define my being.

So I journey on.

My pleasure is in the odyssey.

My joy is in the journey.

And I wonder if I ever truly do want to arrive?

I am not even sure where it is that I am going.

All I know is that I must go.

Pulled along by the beckon of my soul to ever new heights.

Not dissatisfied or depressed in the least, but zealous to pursue all forms of enlightenment.

Not to arrive.

Not to get anywhere.

Not to find definition or a safe and sturdy ground to place my feet.

I desire no destination to rest and remain in.

Not me.

Not this time.

Just to experience.

To slow down long enough to gather new strength to continue on.

Where I am going, I cannot say.

Who I am, I can never know for certain.

All I know is that I am.


An Original Piece of Thought From My Brain at 4:00 am.




The Beatitudes

And seeing the multitudes, He went up on a mountain, and when He was seated His disciples came to Him.Then He opened His mouth and taught them, saying:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
    For they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
    For they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    For they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
    For they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
    For they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
    For they shall be called sons of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. 12 Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Matthew 5:1-12


In many of his writings Steiner calls the “sensible” world one that is perceived via our ordinary five senses and he calls the “super-sensible” world one that requires the use of super-sensible perception to perceive it. Moving forward from the advent of the “I AM” or ego body in the time of Moses to the Sermon on the Mount, Steiner describes the dramatic change that took place in humankind in the time of Jesus. Humankind, by then blessed with ego consciousness since Moses’s time, had lost its ability to raise themselves up to the realm of spiritual beings. The spiritual beings had to descend into the human realm before the new ego consciousness could recognize them. Thus the meaning of the Christmas story of “angels bending near the earth.” The new message to humans at the time of Christ was to “find his connection with God within, and this by means of his ego.” Thus came John the Baptist proclaiming “The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.” Heaven could not be interpreted rightly as an earthly location (physical body), nor as a political kingdom (ether body), nor as a philosophical kingdom (astral body), but only as the living ego body entering a relationship with the descended Christ in power and harmony.

The eight beatitudes progress from the lowest human body to the highest spiritual body as the following summary of Steiner’s words illustrate. Even a casual glance at the parallelism may be enough to soften the heart of the most calloused skeptic as it shows that Jesus, as the descended Christ, was aware of the progression of the multiplexed bodies of humankind. I will cite the verse of Matthew, the pertinent human body, followed by a brief quote or re-statement of Steiner’s view of the beatitude.

Beatitude 1 (5:3, physical body): Those living in their physical body (i. e. poor in spirit) “if they develop their ego-ruled bodies in the right way, they will find the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Beatitude 2 (5:4, etheric body): Those who mourn can find the source of comfort within themselves.

Beatitude 3 (5:5, astral body): The meek, by “fostering calmness and equanimity within themselves; all comfort and well-being on earth shall be their reward.”

Beatitude 4 (5:6, soul or ego body): Seek a higher development in your soul body and your ego will “become sufficient unto itself.” (Steiner calls this the slumbering of the ego.)

Beatitude 5 (5:7, rational soul): “He who develops compassion and mercy shall find compassion in others.” (Steiner calls this the awakening of the ego.)

Beatitude 6 (5:8, consciousness soul): Through the consciousness soul “the ego comes into being as pure ego and becomes capable of receiving God into itself.” This is expressed poetically as “Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.” “The heart,” Steiner says, “is the expression of the ego, the divine in man.”

Beatitude 7 (5:9, spirit self): This is what I would call the Holy Grail of the Beatitudes. Steiner calls us vessels that are gradually receiving the spirit. Thus with the deed of Christ bringing down to earth “the power of love and harmony” we listen as Christ tells us “Blessed are those who draw the spirit self down into themselves, for they shall become the Children of God.” Children of God is a poetical reference to our ultimate destiny as we progress in our human and spiritual evolution.

Beatitude 8 (5:10, life spirit, spirit man): Steiner sees this as a direct message about the mission of Christ (spirit man) and his disciples.


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In Lecture Nine (Rudolf Steiner, According to Matthew) beginning on page 160, Steiner gives his translations of the Beatitudes. His translations of the of “meek” and “poor in spirit” help infuse the familiar passages with new life. [For the sake of brevity, I have paraphrased slightly several of the Beatitudes from Steiner’s words.]

Beatitude 1.) From now onwards, not only those who through the old clairvoyance are rich in the things of the spirit are blessed; but those too who are beggars for the spirit, are blessed; for when the path has been opened for them by Christ the Kingdoms of Heaven flow into their Ego. [page 160]

Beatitude 2.) Those who suffer can now be blessed not only through reaching a spiritual world and in a clairvoyant condition allowing the forces of that world to stream upon them; now, if they can find the path to Christ, to the new truth, they can find within themselves consolation for all suffering. [page 161]

Beatitude 3.) The time has come for man to receive into his Ego the power to curb and tame the passions and emotions of the astral body. Blessed are those who have become meek through the power of their own Ego; for it is they who will inherit the Earth! [page 161]
In The Christian Mystery [page 268] Steiner gives a passage from Mabel Collin’s book Light on the Path which explains “meek” as meaning having a gentle voice, one without power to wound another: “Before the voice can speak in the presence of the Masters, it must have lost the power to wound.”

Beatitude 4.) If a man desires to experience the Christ within himself, he must develop in his Sentient Soul a longing as strong as the instinctive longing he otherwise feels in his body and calls hunger and thirst. What man can develop through the Christ-power within him has always been referred to as ‘thirst after righteousness.’ And when he fills his Sentient Soul with the Christ-power, he can find within himself the possibility of satisfying his thirst after righteousness. [page 162]

Beatitude 5.) When he takes the Christ-power into himself he can unfold in the Intellectual or Mind-Soul those qualities which pass from like to like, which are not besought from Heaven but which go forth from and return again to the same being. ‘Blessed are the merciful: for they shall attain mercy.’ What streams forth streams back again. [page 163]

Beatitude 6.) A man who takes the Christ-power into himself will find the way to his God when he pours his ‘I’ into the Spiritual Soul. In experiencing Christ in his Ego at the level of the Spiritual Soul, he will find his God. ‘Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.’ [page 164]

[page 164] The further Beatitudes relate to the development of the higher members of man’s being: Spirit-Self, Life-Spirit, Spirit-Man. Therefore the words do no more than indicate what man will experience in the future and what only a few chosen ones are able to experience at the present time.

Beatitude 7.) Blessed are they who draw to themselves the Spirit-Self as the first purely spiritual member of their being; for they will be called the children of God. [page 164]

Beatitude 8.) What men of the future, having received Christ into themselves in the fullest sense, will call the ‘Life-Spirit’ is now within the reach of a few individuals only. But because they are chosen individuals, the others are unable to understand them and they are persecuted. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for in themselves they find the Kingdoms of Heaven. [page 164]

Beatitude 9.) And the last Beatitude concerns the closest, most intimate disciples only; it refers to the ninth member of Man’s being: Spirit-Man. — ‘Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you . . . for my sake.’ [page 165]

[page 165] And so these wonderful utterances relating to the nine members of man’s being show how the ‘I’, when filled with Christ, works in the different members and brings them blessedness.

To understand the next important point that Steiner makes, one must come to understand the meaning of the words “Son of Man”. The Greek words did not have the restricted meaning that we take to mean the son of a father, but rather had the more general meaning that “signifies the successor of a living being, an entity that evolves from a living being like the blossom or flower of a plant on which hitherto there have been leaves only.” [page 189] This blossoming flower of one’s ‘Son of Man’ reaches up to the spiritual world to the Spirit-Self, Life-Spirit, and Spirit-Man that together stream down towards one.

[page 192-193] Christ Jesus asks: What is it that must come to men through my impulse? — It is the life-giving, Spirit principle from above! Thus a distinction must be made between the Son of Man who has grown upwards from below and the Son of god, the Son of the living God, who comes down from above. But the difficulty of this question for the disciples will be apparent to you when you realize that they were the very first to receive what the simplest of men since the time of Christ Jesus have received through the Gospels. It was only the living forces of Christ Jesus that enabled the disciples to assimilate all this teaching.




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I am not mind, nor intellect, nor ego,
nor the reflections of inner self (chitta).
I am not the five senses.
I am beyond that.
I am not the ether, nor the earth,
nor the fire, nor the wind (the five elements).
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.


Neither can I be termed as energy (prana),
nor five types of breath (vayus),
nor the seven material essences,
nor the five coverings (pancha-kosha).
Neither am I the five instruments of elimination,
procreation, motion, grasping, or speaking.
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.


I have no hatred or dislike,
nor affiliation or liking,
nor greed,
nor delusion,
nor pride or haughtiness,
nor feelings of envy or jealousy.
I have no duty (dharma),
nor any money,
nor any desire (kama),
nor even liberation (moksha).
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.


I have neither merit (virtue),
nor demerit (vice).
I do not commit sins or good deeds,
nor have happiness or sorrow,
pain or pleasure.
I do not need mantras, holy places,
scriptures (Vedas), rituals or sacrifices (yagnas).
I am none of the triad of
the observer or one who experiences,
the process of observing or experiencing,
or any object being observed or experienced.
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.


I do not have fear of death,
as I do not have death.
I have no separation from my true self,
no doubt about my existence,
nor have I discrimination on the basis of birth.
I have no father or mother,
nor did I have a birth.
I am not the relative,
nor the friend,
nor the guru,
nor the disciple.
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.


I am all pervasive.
I am without any attributes,
and without any form.
I have neither attachment to the world,
nor to liberation (mukti).
I have no wishes for anything
because I am everything,
every time,
always in equilibrium.
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.




3 thoughts on “Undefined

    • Thank you Honey! THIS is the stuff I want to write about. When I get that inspiration, I just have to get up and write! Glad that some of it could resonate with you too! Have a great week!

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