I miss those days, the days when my children were young. I know they are still young, but there is something about having a baby in the house. Something about have young children that I absolutely adore.
The best years of my life were when Serafina was a baby, Kesa was 3 and Autumn was 7. Serafina is now 4, Kesa is 7 and Autumn is 11.
What makes me feel sad these days is the yearning that I have to get pregnant again and having to wait each month, only to realize that it hasn’t happened. We have been trying to get pregnant for five months now. I have even been keeping track of ovulation and reading up a lot about it. Each month brings disappointment when I realize that our efforts have been unsuccessful. I keep faith and hope and console myself with the belief that it will happen when the time is right. A baby will come to us when it is ready and when it is the predestined moment.
I know that I am ready now. For a long time I wasn’t sure. I wanted a baby and then I would think how hard it would be. Now that we are more adjusted to Serafina’s autism and the kids have all grown older, I am ready. I don’t debate about it back and forth in my head anymore. I don’t make lists of the pros and cons.
I always knew that I wanted a large family. When I was a girl, I dreamed of having five daughters. I still want a large family (and it doesn’t need to be all daughters), even though Serafina was diagnosed with autism and life is now a little more challenging. It still is always going to be harder having a special needs child, I have accepted that, but I can’t allow the thought that I will never get to be pregnant and hold and raise another baby take root in my mind. And I believe that it is supposed to happen, otherwise I wouldn’t be always think of it and hoping for it.
Craig is getting older now. He will be 51 this December, though I am still young (27 in February). I am just hoping and praying that we will conceive soon and hopefully have yet another child after that. I still hold tight to my large family dream. I believe that I was born to be a mother. There is nothing I love better than raising and loving my children.
Prayers and positive thoughts for us as we keep trying to conceive would be very much appreciated!